It’s one of the most taboo topics in marriage. The thing nobody wants to talk about. The problem that couples suffer through in silence.
A sexless marriage.
Defined as a marriage with little to no sexual intimacy 鈥?typically less than 10 times per year 鈥?sexless marriages are more common than you might think. Studies suggest that 15-20% of married couples experience them.
But the question that haunts many people in this situation is: How long can this last? Is this sustainable? Can a marriage survive without sex?
The answer is complicated.
Why Marriages Become Sexless
Before we talk about how long a sexless marriage can last, let’s understand why they happen in the first place.
Sexless marriages don’t usually happen overnight. They develop gradually, often for one or more of these reasons:
- Medical issues: Hormonal changes, erectile dysfunction, pain during sex, medication side effects.
- Psychological issues: Depression, anxiety, trauma, low self-esteem.
- Relationship problems: Resentment, lack of emotional connection, unresolved conflict.
- Life circumstances: Stress, exhaustion, new parenthood, health crises.
- Mismatched desire: One partner wants sex more than the other.
- Loss of attraction: Physical or emotional attraction has faded.
- Avoidance: Sex has become a source of conflict, so both partners avoid it.
Understanding the cause is crucial, because it determines whether the situation can be fixed.
Can a Sexless Marriage Last?
Technically, yes. A sexless marriage can last indefinitely. Some couples live in sexless marriages for decades.
But the real question isn’t whether it can last. It’s whether it should. And whether it’s sustainable for both partners.
For Some Couples, Yes
There are couples who are genuinely content in a sexless marriage. Maybe they’re both asexual. Maybe they’ve both lost interest in sex due to age or health. Maybe they’ve consciously chosen to prioritize other forms of intimacy.
For these couples, a sexless marriage can be perfectly healthy and fulfilling.
For Most Couples, No
But for most couples, a sexless marriage is a source of pain. The partner with higher desire feels rejected and resentful. The partner with lower desire feels pressured and guilty. And both partners feel disconnected.
Over time, this resentment and disconnection can erode the entire relationship. What started as a sexual problem becomes an emotional problem. And eventually, it becomes a relationship problem.
The Cost of a Sexless Marriage
If you’re in a sexless marriage and you’re not both content with it, there are real costs:
Emotional Distance
Sexual intimacy is one way couples bond. When it’s absent, couples often feel emotionally distant. They become roommates rather than partners.
Resentment
The partner with higher desire feels rejected. The partner with lower desire feels pressured. Both feel misunderstood. And resentment builds.
Temptation
When sexual needs aren’t being met in the marriage, partners may be tempted to seek them elsewhere. This doesn’t always mean infidelity 鈥?it might mean pornography, fantasy, or emotional affairs. But it’s a sign that something is missing.
Loss of Identity
Sexual intimacy is part of being human. When it’s absent, people can feel like they’re losing a part of themselves. They may feel less attractive, less desirable, less alive.
Relationship Deterioration
Over time, a sexless marriage can deteriorate into a loveless one. The emotional distance grows. The resentment deepens. And eventually, the relationship may become unsustainable.
What You Can Do
If you’re in a sexless marriage and you’re not both content with it, here are some steps you can take:
1. Talk About It
This is the hardest step, but it’s essential. You have to talk to your partner about the lack of sexual intimacy. Not in a blaming way, but in a vulnerable, honest way.
Share how it makes you feel. Listen to how it makes them feel. Try to understand the root cause.
2. See a Doctor
If there are medical issues 鈥?hormonal problems, erectile dysfunction, pain 鈥?see a doctor. Many sexual problems have medical solutions.
3. See a Therapist
A sex therapist or couples therapist can help you work through the emotional and relational issues that are contributing to the sexless marriage.
4. Address the Underlying Issues
If the sexlessness is caused by resentment, depression, stress, or other issues, those need to be addressed. You can’t fix the sexual problem without fixing the underlying problem.
5. Rebuild Intimacy Gradually
This might mean starting with non-sexual touch. Holding hands. Hugging. Kissing. Massage. Building back up to sexual intimacy.
6. Make a Decision
If you’ve tried everything and nothing has changed, you need to make a decision. Can you accept a sexless marriage? Or do you need to leave?
This is a deeply personal decision. But it’s one you need to make consciously, not just by default.
For Young Couples: Don’t Ignore It
If you’re young and your marriage is becoming sexless, don’t ignore it. Address it now, while you still have time to fix it.
Talk to your partner. See a therapist. Figure out what’s going on. Because the longer you let it go, the harder it becomes to fix.
For Middle-Aged Couples: It’s Not Too Late
If you’ve been in a sexless marriage for years, you might think it’s too late to change. But it’s not.
You can still talk to your partner. You can still see a therapist. You can still rebuild intimacy. It will take work, but it’s possible.
And if you decide that you can’t accept a sexless marriage, you can still make that choice. It’s never too late to prioritize your own wellbeing.
The Bottom Line
So how long can a sexless marriage last?
Technically, indefinitely. But realistically, it depends on whether both partners are content with it.
If you’re both asexual or both uninterested in sex, a sexless marriage can be perfectly healthy. But if one or both of you want sexual intimacy, a sexless marriage is unsustainable. It will eventually erode the relationship.
So the real question isn’t how long it can last. The real question is: Is this what you want? And if not, what are you going to do about it?
Because you deserve a marriage that includes all forms of intimacy 鈥?including sexual intimacy. And if you don’t have that, you deserve to address it.